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Losing three parents has been a traumatic experience not to mention my own health scares and that of my son. How has it affected me? I am not sure. I just try not to think about it. However, over the years, I have developed a coping strategy. I just have minus expectations. I always start out with a goal expecting to fail at it so that when I succeed it is wonderful. If I don’t, it does not matter because I had negative expectations in the first place. It’s just the way I live my life. So far it has been okay. It does not mean that I don’t do my best. If I decide I want to do something, I still give it my best.
As a result of my experiences, I know I am strong. I think that with the things that have happened to me, I could easily have become depressed or given up. In spite of my experiences, I live a fairly normal life.
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On the other hand, it may have left me sitting on the fence in relation to the way I live my life. I don’t want to get hurt, may be because I am afraid of being depressed. Having gone through everything I have been through, it feels like it would have all been for nothing. As a result, I have been able to protect myself. I think that if I had stopped to ask myself too many questions about why I had the experiences I had, I would have become depressed.
There is the fact that I don’t want to be pitied. Of course, I have asked myself “why me?” loads of times but I don’t have the answers. I don’t want to think that if this hadn’t happened to me or that hadn’t happened to me, life could have been different. Clearly, life would have been different but I am happy with my life as it is now. Life can always be better but I am happy.
If I had stayed on in Germany, I would have had a different life. And yet, I am happy living in Spain. Life is much easier here, more relaxed; not as strict as it is in Germany. What is more, I am now married to a Spanish man.
Being aware of what has happened to me, I have come to understand why I am on the fence and for now, I am happy being on it.