Dear Father by J. Ivy

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Dear Dad,

These words are being spoken and written because my heart and soul feel broken. I laugh to keep from crying but I still haven’t healed after all of my years of my goofiness and joking. You got me open and hoping this ill feeling will pass, won’t last. I wear a mask so my piece won’t ask for the truth, truthfully speaking the truth hurts but I’m beyond hurting, I’m in pain, and when I was a shorty I thought you left because I wouldn’t behave. Later on in life I found out that it was the pain as well as other things and with all the scars it was hard but I learned to forgive and forgave. In spite the fights, the tears for all the years lost, wondering if I was loved sometimes all I needed was a call and a hug I mean I understand if people break up and don’t make up and some relationships don’t last forever, but why weren’t we together? Ma could’ve found a new man, but why was I going to find a new dad? Looking back I pleaded my case ’cause I felt like I didn’t matter like I was deleted and erased. I would cry, still cry so much that I would get headaches I tried to get you off my mind but I can’t get you off of my face

I see you every time I see me and I can’t do nothing but ask god to bless me because my love was amputated, my life was complicated, my family became dysfunctional…dad. I remember when you pushed ma she broke her ankle and I was sitting there thinking how could you do this to such a beautiful angel? I remember ma waking us up in the middle of the night saying “shh, jimmy put some clothes in the jewels bag, we’re going  to grandma’s and if your father comes up to your school don’t tell him where we be. I remember spending Christmas at grandma’s playing with my stretched arms strong thinking “Man, this ain’t my house; how did Santa clause find me?” but the little boy in me still wants his daddy badly I feel like a scared little boy afraid to become a man but I think I’m ready I wonder if you notice your baby boy in the show that air of the mills and seas on HBO and that hard ass New York crowd that didn’t even know actually gave me a standing O I wonder if you know I know you’re proud ’cause I’m going to be the best just like you want to be, watch and see and just in case you can’t I’m going to scream it so loud that I shake the clouds and move them out of the way and my sunshine, ’cause that’s what you are Dad, James Ivy Richardson senior, do you hear me? You are my sunshine that’s why I forgave you and my love for you is still the same and may have gone through a transformation

But it’s never really changed so I swear on my mama and on my name I’m going to stop this rain, conquer this Pain, make sure that you did not die in vain, and when I get to heaven…when I get to heaven, I’m going to jump in your arms, we’re going to kick back like when I was little, and watch the Bears game.

I love you dad.

 

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